Looking Beyond Behavior
At A Haven we spend a lot of time thinking and talking about kid behavior. It can tell us so much! And it can be so triggering.
Busy, dysregulated bodies bring up lots of feelings in adults – they might get hurt! They might hurt someone else! Something might get broken! It seems like they’re not listening or following the rules! Is this normal?? Other people might think my kid is a bad kid! Whew, all the feelings. We get it.
And yet, the need to move your body is so normal for kids. This is even more true for kids who are grieving – why? Well, kids carry their emotions in their bodies, and they often lack the developmental ability and the opportunity to express those feelings verbally. So sometimes when kids are carrying a lot of big emotions, they bubble up and spill out in a big burst or they trickle out all day long in fidgety, wiggly behavior.
Sometimes kids may engage in play that seems violent or has violent themes (like using guns or trying to “kill bad guys”). Though this can be stressful to watch, this is also very normal when children are grieving.
Death is an overwhelming topic, and kid brains will experiment with lots of different ways to make sense of someone dying. Kids often do not have the cultural associations with guns or violence that adults have, and so this type of play feels like any other type of play for them even though it can feel very different for an adult to observe. If nobody is being hurt and your child is not repeatedly acting out the same distressing scene while seeming anxious or upset, try to be neutral when your child is playing this way and know that this type of play as processing does not mean your child will grow into a violent person!
If you are parenting a child who has experienced a death, take a moment to exhale and rest in the knowledge that distracted, big, busy behavior is normal in children’s grief.
We know, too, though that the need to keep bodies (and friends and siblings and homes and classrooms…) safe is real and important! Our team works hard to find ways to encourage the physical release of big feelings while maintaining safety in our grief groups. A few of our tried-and-true strategies are:
Jumping on a trampoline or alternating hopping on one foot at a time
Throwing cotton balls at the wall AS HARD AS YOU CAN
Throwing water-soaked sponges at the ground (this is a great one for the warmer days that are heading our way!)
Writing or drawing something that we’re feeling and then ripping the paper into as many pieces as possible.
Jumping jacks while yelling out all the emotion words you can think of (a good one for building emotional vocabulary in the youngest grievers)
Creating opportunities for movement can be helpful especially after a long school day of trying to be still and cooperate in a classroom. Know that behavior really is a kid’s greatest communication tool, so if you’re seeing something that gives you pause or concern, try to lead with curiosity about what they could be feeling underneath. And remember if you ever need help translating what your grieving child’s behavior is trying to tell you, we’re just a phone call away.