From Without to Within

The New Year arrived and took off running; as I sit to write, January is already near its end. For those of us in grief, we know that the passage of time can bring so many mixed feelings. There is hope that the pain of grief will feel less sharp, less stifling as the days go by. There is also sadness and longing; with each day that passes, we are one day farther away from having been with our loved one before their death. In this same way, a New Year can be such a loaded milestone. There seems to be no escaping it, with the turn of that calendar page we move into a new space, a clearly defined period of time that our loved one will not share with us. 

We hear often from families that in the weeks and months following a death, the voices and influence of their loved ones feel fresh, within reach. This realization is often accompanied by the panicked question - “Will I lose that?” “Will their voice leave me?” As we learn to live without a loved one, the thought of having to lose even the memories, the influence, the internal voice that remains feels unbearable. Even those for whom the relationship (and in turn the grief) was complicated, there is a fear that the powerful lessons we learned about life from that painful relationship will fade with time. We hear from those who are farther into their grief journey that as the years have gone by they hear their person’s voice, feel their influence less than they did when the loss was fresh. Sadness and longing accompany those realizations. 

What we want you to know is that we see and hear those voices within you still. When you tell us about your loved one, we hear their influence loud and clear. When it feels that their voice has left you, it is because your love and longing have integrated their voice into yours. What we want you to know is that you have transitioned, or are fully capable of transitioning over time, from living without your loved one to carrying their voice within you. We see and are amazed by your resilience. We gratefully bear witness to the pieces of your loved one that shine through in you. 

The passage of time cannot take away the love that you shared, the guidance they left you. It cannot invalidate or take away the lessons you learned when the relationship was one of pain. Turning the calendar page cannot change what you know to be precious and true about life now in the wake of your loss. It cannot. And so when you fear you will lose those remaining pieces of your loved one, when sadness rushes to fill the space that you think their voice no longer occupies, we want you to know that though you may be without their physical presence you need only look within to feel all that remains. 

In this New Year and those that will follow, we are with you.    

Written by Kate Lannan, Community Services Director