Holding Space
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to honor the loss of the youngest lives and the families who grieve for them. It can be hard to make sense of any death, let alone when someone dies before they have had a chance to live. The death of a baby is awful and scary; people don’t know what to do or say, and families can end up feeling alone, adding to the pain of their grief. Miscarriages can happen before family and friends even know about the pregnancy, leaving women struggling to decide how and with whom to share their new grief story.
At A Haven, we want these families to know that they are not alone, and we want to equip those who love them to stand by their side. Your kind presence is a gift to those in grief, but we know it is also helpful to feel prepared. Here are some thoughts from parents who have had their own experience with the loss of a pregnancy or the death of their baby. We hope that reading these helps you feel empowered to hold the painful space for someone in need.
If I had a chance to name my baby, please use their name when you talk about them. I chose their name with love and you won’t hurt me by saying it.
If I had a miscarriage, don’t rush to remind me that there was probably something “wrong” with my baby and that it’s for the best.
My grief is still real even if I never had the chance to meet my baby. The invisibility of this loss can make me feel alone. Check in on me.
I can be happy for you and your healthy pregnancy and healthy children while I am grieving, even if I need to do it from afar. Please be gentle with me if I need space or to be told about your new pregnancy in private. Know that my need to process my feelings of grief does not mean that I do not also celebrate for you.
If I have pictures of my child, ask me if I would like to share them with you. My baby has died, but it still can warm my heart to hear other people swoon over their beauty.
Don’t forget about me. I had dreams for my child even if they died as a baby or before I got to meet them. Milestones that I would have cherished for them, like the start of Kindergarten years after their death, can trigger new waves of grief.
It helps me to know I’m not alone and that I did not do anything wrong to cause harm to my pregnancy or baby. If you have an experience like mine and you feel comfortable, please share it with me.
Today we hold in our hearts the youngest among us who have died and the families and friends who love them. To our families walking in grief - you, your story, the dreams you had for the child you lost will always have a place with us at A Haven.
Written by Community Services Director, Kate Lannan.